As Cold As Ice

As Cold As Ice


A couple of days ago I over heard a friend talking to their mom on the phone. I began to feel sad. Working on not squelching my feelings lately, I "felt" the sadness. What was it about? Then waves of wanting came. I can't talk to my mom on the phone. I miss my mom. I didn't know that not being able to call my mom up anytime and tell her anything, bothered me, until I "felt" the feeling.

While my mom was sick with leukemia she wrote us letters to be opened after she died. I recalled that part of mine said " Remember even if I am not there for you to touch and talk to just go to your own world (a.k.a. Lisa Land to my family) and I'll be waiting for you." So I did! I went to Lisa Land where there is fresh air, trees, and water and talked to my mom. I told her how much I miss her, told her that I have been crying a lot lately and I don't know what is up with that. When I walked across the suspension bridge a man tells me "What a difference a day makes. Yesterday this creek was solid ice except for a little trickle of water."

A vision that I had several years ago about my heart and the condition of it came to me again. In the vision I saw my heart encased in ice. When my heart began soften and warm, the ice began to melt and those were my tears. Every time I did not "feel" my feelings another layer of ice encircled my heart. Another layer every time I pretended something did not bother me when it really did, often I would laugh when I really should be crying. I don't want to wallow in the pain, but I know it doesn't do me any good not to "feel" them either.

The icy coldness that I have had around my heart is melting. It is an inside job, getting warmer and warmer. It might not be too pretty, the murky creek wasn't either, but it is freeing to "feel" what I need to "feel" and let it go!

For those of you in my past who have made fun of me for going to Lisa Land, let me tell you it is a nice here. Now I must go wash the mud off my shoes. Maybe it is not just a pretend place to go after all.

I Radiate Love and Happiness

I Radiate Love and Happiness!

 

Last May I attended a workshop in Chicago on Finding Your Soulmate taught by Arielle Ford.  I have been single for almost 11 years and have been thinking I don't want to be alone much longer. I am not feeling lonely, just alone, wanting someone to share an intimate life with, MY soulmate. Several steps were suggested, such as making a list of the qualities you are looking for, then burning that paper and releasing it to the Universe. Coloring a Mandela while repeating the qualities you are wanting in a soulmate. Also cleaning out your life to make room for your soulmate to enter it, and becoming the person that your soulmate would be attracted to. Feelizations, which are affirmations you say to yourself, not only verbally but feeling them!

This past week, I received an e-mail from this workshop with the affirmations

 

 

I radiate love and happiness

 

I am deserving of love

 

Love comes easily and effortlessly

 

My soulmate is on the way to me now

 

I am a love magnet

 

 

I have to warn you that this really does work so be careful if you use them!

 

I had been repeating the last one I am a love magnet over and over to myself while out shopping on Tuesday. Walking through the stores, I was visualizing myself as a magnet with hearts zooming toward me, feeling the clink, clink and the warm glow flow through my body.

 

I found some Strathmore watercolor paper on clearance at Meijer's, so excited, I had used all I had and needed more!

When checking out the cashier asked me if me if I was an artist. I love that I can now say "YES, why YES I am!"

He asked if I had some pictures on my phone.

"NO, why NO I don't!"

I handed him my business card, he read it while putting it in his wallet.

"Lisa! That is my girlfriends name, I love her, and she motivated me to go to college."

 I looked at his name tag, "your name is David? That is my ex husbands name!"

"Now you just burst my bubble." he said while shaking his head.

We laughed and exchanged more pleasant conversation. Turns out his birthday are the same as my oldest granddaughter.  He said she must be pretty special then.

 

He said "I love my job!" "I always meet the coolest people!" He was radiating love and happiness and I was a love magnet!  Clink! Clink!

What a pleasant experience! My friend was a few lanes down and told me her cashier heard us laughing and was enjoying it.

 

RADIATE and MAGNETIZE!!!!

My Needs Are Always Provided For

My needs are always provided for.

I really believe this affirmation for my physical needs. Recently it was put to the test for my emotional ones.

I have made some decisions for myself about setting boundaries and sticking to them. This has not been an easy thing for me.

When the test came to establish the line, my heart hurt but I knew it was the best for me. "NO" why is that such a hard word to say? I said it! Now the real test sticking to them. I really wanted to be like the Coke commercial I had just seen recently. Two guards walking back and forth along the "line in the sand". One decides to share a bottle of Coke with the other. He sits down the bottle and draws a line around it, then the other guard erases the line on his side. The motto is " Open Happiness". REALLY? Could I modify the line and remain happy? NO!

Thrust into a situation where the NO had to remain a NO. My heart ached. My body revolted in stomach pains that made me feel like I could vomit at any time. My head hurt and my eyes were weepy. I wanted to scream and throw my body on the floor, pounding my fists and kicking my legs in a full fledged temper tantrum. Since that is not appropriate behavior for a 47 year old woman in public I decided to try and recenter myself through writing it out. I flipped open my phone to the notes section. Since this  acceptable in public and it was the only thing I had to write with. I stopped and read the note that was staring me.

"YOU are seen! YOU are KNOWN! YOU are loved!" SARK

Tears stung my eyes, THAT was the issue here. The tantrum that I wanted to throw was about "I need some attention here!" "What about me?" The universe lovingly provided my needs once again.

Repeating those words helped bring me back to center. They did not CHANGE the situation, they simply CHANGED my view about it!

Later, still aching from the stings of my decisions, I got in the shower and turned the radio up loud, so no one could hear me and sobbed uncontrollably. I just can't do this! Again I felt all alone, almost as if I was invisible. I had no one with whom I could share this heartache with. Then the miracles came, 3 blasts from the past. Friends who I had not talked to in a long time, 2 called me and 1 wrote me. The words were the same basically. "I remember the fun times we had." YOU are seen!  "I just thought about you."  YOU are known!  "I love you!" YOU are loved! 

After the 3rd one I looked up to the sky, with gratitude, I said "I must be pretty bad off if you need to send me 3 messengers." THANK YOU!

When I get that urge to call someone, I want to listen, and do it. Who knows what words of encouragement they need from me.

YOU are seen. YOU are known. YOU are loved. SARK

"I don't wanna....."

Staring out the window one day while painfully trying to write about MY grief and how it has threaded goldenly through my life even before I was born, my overwhelming thought was "I don't wanna... do it!"

Then WHY are you? BECAUSE it is MY life and I am trying to tell MY life story? Because some friends and family said that is what I "should" do? Because it is what people NEED?

But I WANT to write about spirituality, sexuality, feminism, relationships, creativity, wholeness!

Ding ding ding....WINNER! Those things are ME too! New writing has begun, digging deeper into those and writing, for me... what I wanna!

Golden threads weaving the tapestry of my life, I can only see the sections, the knots, the stops, the starts. How can this ever be something beautiful to look at when finished? Finding the balance, finding the plan, the purpose, the pattern.

Finding My Voice

A jumble of thought has been binging against the creases in my brain for a few days and I thought by writing them down it might straighten them out into a coherent form.

In the last few weeks I have come across events in my life where in the past I might have kept my opinion to myself. I think, "man I wish I could say this or that to the person". Why don't you? I hear that voice in my head ask. Uh.... Soon I am watching the person stop and look at me as the words pass my lips. I am finding my voice.

When did I lose it?

On Saturday a friend and I went to watch the movie "The King's Speech". While I don't want to give the movie away for those of you who have not seen it, I need to share parts of it. The Duke of York stutters when he speaks. He reveals some abuse he had as a child at about the same time the stuttering began. This triggered some of the binging thoughts I need to put on paper.

My voice why did I lose it?

"But if you take away my voice," said the little mermaid, "what is left for me?"

"Your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man's heart." (sea witch)

Who did I give it away for?
Maybe my LOVE of WATER is not the only reason I chose to be Chicago Mermaid.


This morning I pop onto Facebook and these quotes are there placed especially for me.

Randy Grossman: "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~ Harvey Fierstein


Patti Digh:
Sometimes it is just really necessary to use your outside voice. Speak up.

I went in search of this one.
If you have the feeling that something is wrong, don't be afraid to speak up.
Fred Korematsu


Thoughts of working at the Domestic Violence shelter swished through.
http://www.SinBySilence.com
Does it really matter to me WHEN, HOW or WHO to? I don't really know. One thing I do know for sure I am very glad I am finding it again.

Profound

I am back to writing on this blog. But...but...but... I don't have anything "profound" to share. Do I really need "profound" moments to share? Isn't my everyday life "profound" in itself?

This past week I have slept in my car at rest areas and store parking lots. In a hotel and a friends' house. Taken a shower in a community center that I stumbled upon. While living this nomadic lifestyle for the past year and a half, a warm shower is something I seek after and rejoice in. The simple things mean so much. The time alone was just what I needed to restore the resources that I had depleted in my life.

I went to a singles dance in Illinois and danced and laughed, then swam in the hotel pool the next morning. Chicago Mermaid love! dance....laugh....swim...

Ventured Chicago way on Sunday to watch the Bears/Packers playoff game with "my people". After taking the ORANGE line from Midway Airport to Roosevelt, I walked with the masses of people heading to Soldier Field, equally Packers and Bears fans! I paused often when I felt the energy level at a very high, just soaking it up! After walking around the stadium, touching it, kissing it (yeah I did!) I went in search of somewhere warm to watch the game. Looking for the sports bar where I had watched a Bears/Vikings game a couple of years ago. I knew it was close to Soldier Field just not sure where it was located or what it was called. Not exactly sure which way to go I said to my spirit, lead me. I head on the metal ramp that winds out of the area, passing people telling me that I am going the wrong way.

The thought just occurred to me HOW? can they knew which way I am suppose to be heading? They
are not me! They do not know what MY spirit is saying to me. They do not KNOW my hearts desire! How often have I thought or even said to someone "you are going the wrong way!" When I am not them, HOW? do I know which way THEY are suppose to be heading? HOW do I know what THEIR spirit is saying to them? I don't KNOW their hearts desire!

Back to the story about finding "my people". As I come out on the street it all starts looking familiar. YES I am heading in the right direction! Only a few blocks more and I see the corner bar AND it has a line down the street to get in. Oh, I don't want to stand out in the cold streets. But the nudge was there to wait. Laughing and chatting with those in line, the wait did not seem long. Inside it was standing room only, elbow to elbow. My belly growls, I AM HUNGRY, how am I going to get some food? I go up to the hostess stand and she tells me I can put in a to go order, whoohoo! While waiting for my food to make an appearance, I spy two spare chair sitting by the railing, you know when they take them away from tables because their party does not need them at their table. There are coats on them with a guy standing watch, I ask him if I can sit in one, he says sure! I have a SEAT! When they call him to a table I notice an older lady looking at the seat longingly. I wave her over and we chat while she is waiting on her table. Very well educated, with a kind spirit, "my people". A gentleman with gray hair peeks around the corner saying to us, I think you have the best seats in the house. I would have to agree. I tell him that she is getting a table and I can save this seat for him if he would like. YES he would! I put my coat on the chair until comes to claim it. He tells me he is a Packers fan, WHAT? I saved a chair for a Packers fan! He tells me his name is Dave, WHAT? I saved a chair for a Dave! (my ex's name). He talks about his wife, WHAT? I saved a seat for a married man! All pressure was off, we could have fun and we did, talking about our adventures in life and our dreams. He happened to be there because his daughter worked there and he was visiting her from the upper peninsula of Michigan.

Dave THE Packer fan laid his hand on my shoulder to console me after my Bears were defeated and gently reminded me that "it was just a game". Very well educated with a kind spirit, "my people".

I received good service from his daughter, and a free drink! 
a~bun~dance
dance! dance! dance!

Even though my Bears lost in the Championship game and would not be going to the Superbowl, I smiled all the way back to my car. What a wonderful time!

Notice!!!!

WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects-you DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice


NOTICE! Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of it's associated sites for studies or projects-you DO have my permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered my greatest honor! The Universe has blessed me with it's generosity and now I pay it forward! LOVE TO ALL! It is recommended that other members post a similar notice!


I saw this first "WARNING:" on a facebook's profile pictures. Not liking it at all I decided to write the second! Probably one of the reasons I decided not to be an attorney! I have been so blessed in my life and want everyone to be as blessed! There is more then enough a~bun~dance in this world to go around! All my needs are always met! dance! dance! dance!