What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?
 
Recently I talking to my sister about my desire to hold workshops for people. My vision a couple years earlier that I shared with the leader of the singles group was to have them for the singles. I thought my sister and her husband could lead the one on finances because they were following the Dave Ramsey program and had turned that part of their life around. Also another one I thought of my other sister and her husband could do would be about marriage. They have one of the best relationships I have seen and they were doing the Fireproof program. I told my sister I think mine would be on Creative Problem Solving. She stopped me and said I think yours should be on FEAR. You show people how "not to be afraid". Yeah, she was right. I just want to ask people when they are telling me their problems. "What are you afraid of?" I see so much FEAR in people. I get scared sometimes but I do it anyway! I got to thinking that I need to write a blog about this. The morning pages that follow is an example of one time I was scared, did it anyway and the awesome story that I have to tell from it. Forgive some of the grammar, these are streams of thought that really aren't suppose to be shared with anyone, but I just had to! Leading up to this entry I had been in Portland Oregon. I left my new art friends house with 1/4 tank of gas and 50 cents on June 1st. Staying in rest areas until I needed to just get this FEAR of "what is next?" over with.
 
 
 
June 4, 2009
Yesterday was very eventful. I was sitting at a rest area in Oregon. I was reading the book "A Million Little Pieces" and crying about what I was going to do about my gas and money situation. I said God if you want me to stay here fine I will, but I really think I am suppose to go see Casey. If you want me to go to Sacramento then you are going to have to figure out how to do that. I hear "focus on the end that you want NOT how to get there." I start seeing my gas tank full and the book I am writing, being on the Oprah show and living in my beautiful house by the ocean. I feel the urge to move. I have been driving for 82 miles with the gas light on and before I was able to drive 90 miles before I ran out. I just think I need to get this over with. I am going to drive south as far as I can go and see what happens. I drive to the next exit to see if I can find an ATM machine. I can't find one so I drive on and see a Credit Union. I check my balance and it says $7.06 in there so I can take $2.06 out. But the machine only gives out in $20. Okay I am back on Interstate 5 headed South. I am South of Eugene and I know I am getting close to being out I pray and say "you know God you could just keep my tank full like you did by keeping oil in the lamp for the Israelites." I know also I need to consider all my options. I start checking for mile markers. It runs out at mile marker 184 South of Eugene Oregon. Another 8 for me. I call AAA and wait for them to come and bring me gas. I am told they bring 5 gallons. Well 5 gallons will get me a little bit closer to California I think. The guy comes and only puts what looks like 1 1/2 gallons in. I know that won't work because I have run out of gas before and it took more gas to get my car started. He says it is probably something else and he can tow me up to 100 miles. I smile and say okay. Inside I am thinking that much closer to California. I am thinking "Slumdog Millionaire" I have been through this before I know the answer. I am not scared. I know there isn't anything wrong with my car it just needs more gas. That is a simple fix. Whoohoo gas and a tow A BUN DANCE!! I had been listening to a radio station of positive uplifting music. That is how they market it. Something like we play happy music to make you feel good. Wish I could remember the song I heard but I can't right now. But I sang along feeling good. Well the guy Craig, tries to let them tow me to Grants Pass but it is about 20 miles  past where AAA will pay. He says it will cost me $80. I tell him just take me as far as they will pay I don't have money to pay the extra. While we are driving and talking I am having a good time someone to talk to. He is very intelligent and funny. He brings up politics and religion and how he has traveled the country and realizes that politics and religion are everywhere and how can so many people have such different religions. How can it be true? He says religion is just believing in a higher power. Something higher then yourself. I agree so agree. I tell him my story or some of it. I tell him my baby turned 21 and he is shocked he says he never would have guessed me to have a 21 year old. I tell him my oldest is 26. In the course of time I figure out he is 34. We talk about our fun divorces. He says his is a 10 year prison sentence that has cost him $364,000. Oh wow mine is less.  He tells stories from his job. He says he works a lot and does not get to see his two kids much they are 10 and 11. I had picked a flower along the road and have it on my lap and it is shriveling. He says your flower is getting smaller. I said I have it to cheer me up maybe I should have left it beside the road. He says no you just took its water source away from it. BINGO that is me. I shrivel when you take my water source away from me. We talk about my car, he says it might be the fuel pump. I know it isn't but I let him talk. Then he says it could be the fuel shut off. Did you hit a bump? I say I don't know. I said maybe it just needs more gas. He said maybe. We pull into Roseburg and he is going to try it one more time and check the fuel shut off. He had left the key on and the car was dead so he has to jump it. It still won't start he says he will put 2 more gallons in and see. It starts! He says it is my lucky day. Yes, yes, yes, indeed! I get towed over 60 miles and almost 4 gallons of gas. I could almost make it back to the California border. I go to the bank that is close by and pretend like I am going to get some money out. TOO funny! I come back and he is standing at the bathroom. I go to the bathroom too. I left my flower in the truck for him. He also said something very cool about my car starting. He said do you think it will start? I say yes! He says do you hope it will or do you really believe it will? I tell him I believe in the law of attraction. I am believing. Also all morning I had been saying "Look my gas tank is full!" Well I "hear" that I need to go to a pawn shop and sell my jewelry to at least get a tank of gas. I look around and don't see any. I see a JC Penney, JoAnne's and Michael's I decide to go walk around and in them to see if I can "find" any money anyone has dropped. Any little bit will help. I walk that way and see a Western Oregon Jewelry store with a sign that says they will buy gold and silver. Whoohoo! I almost run back to my car to get my jewelry. I had been leaving pieces of it along the way for people to find. I had just left a pair of silver ones at a rest area that morning. I take the jewelry in and they are very nice saying at least I brought in more then most. I am happy to be rid of the past jewelry. I keep my secret ring that Cindy had got me and my bracelet from Paris from Tina and the earrings that Penny gave me that are blue. He probably wouldn't have bought them from me anyway. I have decided to only keep my favorites. Oh I forgot the really cool thing I had separated the gold out earlier in my journey when I pulled the bag out it felt heavy I opened it and had $3.50 in quarters in it. I was so excited. I talked to the lady and guy and told them my story. She says she is 46 and doing the same thing changing careers. Packing up and going to culinary school. He says he joined the carnival when he was a teenager. She says yeah but you became a cop after that. She said he doesn't like to talk about that part. He said because I hated that job! I say and now you are a jeweler. He is separating out the pieces. He offers me $85 for it. I am ecstatic about it! I had just won the lottery, I get to go to Sacramento. I get to go back to California! WhooHoo! I have a full tank of gas and some money. I know he probably did not give me a fair price I had opals, diamonds and other gems with the silver and gold but I don't care I was giving it away along my journey anyway. When I am leaving them I tell them I am writing a book about my journey. So one day when they pick up a book called "7 Jars of Peanut Butter" that's me! She says and we will be in it. I say yes. Then I ask them for a card. I am jumping and skipping and dancing all the way back to my car. A BUN DANCE! I fill my car up then head south. The gas attendant says INDIANA? What did you have car trouble? Because he had see my car unloaded from the tow truck. (They pump your gas when you are in Oregon.) I say no "I just ran out of gas." When I am driving I keep singing "I have a full tank of gas and I have money. Thank you! Thank you!" I know you can't wipe the smile off my face. I don't think I am going to stop to pee until I get to California, but at one rest area there is a sign that says free coffee. I think that sounds good, I haven't had a cup for probably a week. I have been drinking my herbal tea which I know is good for me. They don't have coffee. Oh well I can buy me a cup in the morning 'cause I got money!!!! I drive through the beautiful mountain, they are just gorgeous. There is a thunder and lightning storm which is awesome as well. I don't know if I had ever been this close to the clouds when it was lightning. The cool clean crisp air and the scent of the pine trees when it rained. It was so much like a Christmas smell. When I get to California I am rejoicing. I stop at a rest area and at the back of it is a stream/river/water source running by it. I have found some water again. California has an inspection station when you come in. Crack me up. I wonder if any other state has that. That guy at the one rest area said that California is like its own country. The guy asked me if I had any animals or produce. I say apples and bananas in my cooler. He says apples are okay this time of year because they are coming out of cold storage. I ask him if bananas are okay? He says bananas are always okay because we are all bananas down here. I just laugh! Way too fun! I stop at a rest area near Sacramento. Actually about 90 miles North of it. It feels good to sleep I am so tired. I set my alarm for 8 hours because that is all you can stay in a rest area. I get up in the morning and head to McDonalds and get my coffee and sandwich. Usually you can get a sandwich for $1 but this McDonalds don't have it. I am very thankful for my coffee. When I get here the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus was playing. I met a fun group of ladies who were having coffee. I overheard one of them say something about Donahue. I asked them and the one lady said her Great Grandmother married a Donahue. He said he would take care of her Great Grandmother when her Great Grandfather died. She said she had 1/2 relatives who were Donahue. Way too cool! Way fun! She said she grew up on The Donahue Estates in San Francisco. Awesome! I need to explore San Francisco some more. What an awesome day I have in front of me! Explore! Explore! I tell the ladies bye and tell them I am writing a book about my travels called "7 Jars of Peanut Butter" They laugh and say are you on the 7th book yet? I tell them I probably have enough to write 7 books. The one says so you are not from Willis? I guess that is where I am at. She said I look very familiar. I get that a lot I say. The ladies say we pray for travelers everyday so you will be in our prayers. The one lady says if you come back and want to stay here we can probably find you some cheap rent. A BUN DANCE! Whoohoo! They asked me earlier where I was going to settle? I had told them wherever my car dies or I run out of money.