"I don't wanna....."

Staring out the window one day while painfully trying to write about MY grief and how it has threaded goldenly through my life even before I was born, my overwhelming thought was "I don't wanna... do it!"

Then WHY are you? BECAUSE it is MY life and I am trying to tell MY life story? Because some friends and family said that is what I "should" do? Because it is what people NEED?

But I WANT to write about spirituality, sexuality, feminism, relationships, creativity, wholeness!

Ding ding ding....WINNER! Those things are ME too! New writing has begun, digging deeper into those and writing, for me... what I wanna!

Golden threads weaving the tapestry of my life, I can only see the sections, the knots, the stops, the starts. How can this ever be something beautiful to look at when finished? Finding the balance, finding the plan, the purpose, the pattern.

Finding My Voice

A jumble of thought has been binging against the creases in my brain for a few days and I thought by writing them down it might straighten them out into a coherent form.

In the last few weeks I have come across events in my life where in the past I might have kept my opinion to myself. I think, "man I wish I could say this or that to the person". Why don't you? I hear that voice in my head ask. Uh.... Soon I am watching the person stop and look at me as the words pass my lips. I am finding my voice.

When did I lose it?

On Saturday a friend and I went to watch the movie "The King's Speech". While I don't want to give the movie away for those of you who have not seen it, I need to share parts of it. The Duke of York stutters when he speaks. He reveals some abuse he had as a child at about the same time the stuttering began. This triggered some of the binging thoughts I need to put on paper.

My voice why did I lose it?

"But if you take away my voice," said the little mermaid, "what is left for me?"

"Your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man's heart." (sea witch)

Who did I give it away for?
Maybe my LOVE of WATER is not the only reason I chose to be Chicago Mermaid.


This morning I pop onto Facebook and these quotes are there placed especially for me.

Randy Grossman: "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~ Harvey Fierstein


Patti Digh:
Sometimes it is just really necessary to use your outside voice. Speak up.

I went in search of this one.
If you have the feeling that something is wrong, don't be afraid to speak up.
Fred Korematsu


Thoughts of working at the Domestic Violence shelter swished through.
http://www.SinBySilence.com
Does it really matter to me WHEN, HOW or WHO to? I don't really know. One thing I do know for sure I am very glad I am finding it again.

Profound

I am back to writing on this blog. But...but...but... I don't have anything "profound" to share. Do I really need "profound" moments to share? Isn't my everyday life "profound" in itself?

This past week I have slept in my car at rest areas and store parking lots. In a hotel and a friends' house. Taken a shower in a community center that I stumbled upon. While living this nomadic lifestyle for the past year and a half, a warm shower is something I seek after and rejoice in. The simple things mean so much. The time alone was just what I needed to restore the resources that I had depleted in my life.

I went to a singles dance in Illinois and danced and laughed, then swam in the hotel pool the next morning. Chicago Mermaid love! dance....laugh....swim...

Ventured Chicago way on Sunday to watch the Bears/Packers playoff game with "my people". After taking the ORANGE line from Midway Airport to Roosevelt, I walked with the masses of people heading to Soldier Field, equally Packers and Bears fans! I paused often when I felt the energy level at a very high, just soaking it up! After walking around the stadium, touching it, kissing it (yeah I did!) I went in search of somewhere warm to watch the game. Looking for the sports bar where I had watched a Bears/Vikings game a couple of years ago. I knew it was close to Soldier Field just not sure where it was located or what it was called. Not exactly sure which way to go I said to my spirit, lead me. I head on the metal ramp that winds out of the area, passing people telling me that I am going the wrong way.

The thought just occurred to me HOW? can they knew which way I am suppose to be heading? They
are not me! They do not know what MY spirit is saying to me. They do not KNOW my hearts desire! How often have I thought or even said to someone "you are going the wrong way!" When I am not them, HOW? do I know which way THEY are suppose to be heading? HOW do I know what THEIR spirit is saying to them? I don't KNOW their hearts desire!

Back to the story about finding "my people". As I come out on the street it all starts looking familiar. YES I am heading in the right direction! Only a few blocks more and I see the corner bar AND it has a line down the street to get in. Oh, I don't want to stand out in the cold streets. But the nudge was there to wait. Laughing and chatting with those in line, the wait did not seem long. Inside it was standing room only, elbow to elbow. My belly growls, I AM HUNGRY, how am I going to get some food? I go up to the hostess stand and she tells me I can put in a to go order, whoohoo! While waiting for my food to make an appearance, I spy two spare chair sitting by the railing, you know when they take them away from tables because their party does not need them at their table. There are coats on them with a guy standing watch, I ask him if I can sit in one, he says sure! I have a SEAT! When they call him to a table I notice an older lady looking at the seat longingly. I wave her over and we chat while she is waiting on her table. Very well educated, with a kind spirit, "my people". A gentleman with gray hair peeks around the corner saying to us, I think you have the best seats in the house. I would have to agree. I tell him that she is getting a table and I can save this seat for him if he would like. YES he would! I put my coat on the chair until comes to claim it. He tells me he is a Packers fan, WHAT? I saved a chair for a Packers fan! He tells me his name is Dave, WHAT? I saved a chair for a Dave! (my ex's name). He talks about his wife, WHAT? I saved a seat for a married man! All pressure was off, we could have fun and we did, talking about our adventures in life and our dreams. He happened to be there because his daughter worked there and he was visiting her from the upper peninsula of Michigan.

Dave THE Packer fan laid his hand on my shoulder to console me after my Bears were defeated and gently reminded me that "it was just a game". Very well educated with a kind spirit, "my people".

I received good service from his daughter, and a free drink! 
a~bun~dance
dance! dance! dance!

Even though my Bears lost in the Championship game and would not be going to the Superbowl, I smiled all the way back to my car. What a wonderful time!

Notice!!!!

WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects-you DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice


NOTICE! Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of it's associated sites for studies or projects-you DO have my permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered my greatest honor! The Universe has blessed me with it's generosity and now I pay it forward! LOVE TO ALL! It is recommended that other members post a similar notice!


I saw this first "WARNING:" on a facebook's profile pictures. Not liking it at all I decided to write the second! Probably one of the reasons I decided not to be an attorney! I have been so blessed in my life and want everyone to be as blessed! There is more then enough a~bun~dance in this world to go around! All my needs are always met! dance! dance! dance!

November 25, 2008 Chicago Mermaid blog

Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Artist Way
Recently I have been consuming books from the library. I have read
The Dance of the Dissident Daughter: A Woman's Journey from Christian Tradition to the Sacred Feminine by Sue Monk Kidd. I picked it up because I have been into dancing lately and I have read a couple of her other books and loved them. I was touched the core of my being while reading this book. I needed to see that others were fed up with the patriarchal thinking in the Christian church and how they danced this spiritual journey to freedom. I have always felt the spiritual part of my being in a strong way. Yet while in the Christan church I sensed that by being a woman I was a second class citizen I have felt it in society at times as well. The weekend after reading this book I encountered two former male pastors and I did not feel anything bad towards them. This was a true miracle.

I have read Sacred Contract by Caroline Myss. I felt led to it by my journey back to my spiritual being. In the first chapter she talked about the DVD The Power of Myth with Joseph Campbell. I had checked out that same DVD with the book. This sent sparkles through my body as well has some dancing feet. While doing the Sacred Contract wheel from the book I cast my artist archetype in my spiritual house. It is starting to make sense to me. My spirituality is connected to the artist in me. That is why when one is messed up it so strongly affects the other. Then I watched the DVD and Joseph Campbell says that artist are the myth tellers of modern day. Again artist intertwined with spirituality.

I noticed a book in my case at home entitled The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron. Oh yeah I was going to read that book someday. Well Sunday November 23rd 2008 is that day. I knew meshing artist with spirituality was the stretch of road I am on now. While flipping through it I noticed that I had written the date that I had purchased it in the front cover, it was November 28th, 2003.

It came flooding back to me, this was the Friday after Thanksgiving 2003. This was two days after I had buried my18 year old son Andrew. I had gotten up the courage to go shopping or better yet to go out in public by myself. I could do this.... or could I? Just "go" I told myself. I did it. I wanted to say to people who were so busy shopping and going on with their lives that "what you are doing is NOT SO IMPORTANT...I just buried my son." It just felt so unreal. I was very proud of myself I did not disrupt any ones black Friday shopping experience. I guess I thought I needed some art therapy to heal through this experience. My intention with a degree in psychology was to do art therapy.

I am beginning this 12 week Artist Way program that the book takes you through. Starting today I am purchasing a new notebook to get started on the morning writing that is one of the requirements of the course. Another one is an artist date. Where you take the artist within you on a date every week. I already have an idea for one of the dates...going ice skating...aka dancing on frozen water...winter mermaid.

I will keep everyone updated on the journey. I will have completed the path to higher creativity course at the beginning of March. I was thinking about taking some classes and this will be a good winter one.

From my Chicago Mermaid blog!

Monday, November 3, 2008
A Bun Dance
Been doing a little bit of dancing lately. I read the book Law of Attraction a few months ago. They talked about abundance in our lives. When I saw it, I saw the word "A Bun Dance". I love to dance. Well when I have something fun or exciting happen in my life I have been doing the "A Bun Dance". Thought I would share by little dances from yesterday.

I dropped off some chairs at Bethany's house last night and I went into her little garden that had been left for the previous renters and picked me some free tomatoes...a little "tomato dancing" here!

When I worked at Family Express we had some incentive things pop out of the lottery machine, you had to register on the Hoosier Lottery site to be in the drawings. Well they sent me a little birthday coupon for a free $2 scratch off. Well I went to Meijers to purchase some groceries so I redeemed my coupon. The machine said it was a $3 coupon so I "had" to get 2 tickets one $2 and one $1. I did not win anything on the $2 one but low and behold I won $20 on the $1 one. I did the "I won the lottery dance". I had just been at Gordman's checking out the new styles and saw a shirt I loved for $20. Yeah! Yeah! Happy Birthday to me!

Then I have this addiction to ice cream... I don't need it but I want it...oh yes I do need it since it is an addiction...(hehehe!!!) Well I tell myself I won't get it unless my kind is on sell. Well I go to the frozen food section and do the "ice cream is on sell dance". Happy Birthday to me!


Hoping to start a blog soon to share all of my A Bun Dancing!! (when I figure it all out!) I would like to hear the A Bun Dancing everyone is doing in their lives.

Longing

I met SARK!! She is a wonderful inspirational artist/author/speaker/person! One of the points she made in her presentation was to feel your feelings. Feel them don't push them away. What are they? I began thinking back to my alone time in my magic little house in Lafayette IN. I was longing for some friends and maybe some dates. This longing led me to a site called Plenty of Fish. They were having a singles dance in Danville IL and I signed up to help with it. Some SOCIAL time I was so excited! This longing led me to many new friends. Dave Youhas was the leader of the singles dance and he was also the leader of the singles group on a Meetup Group site. I met many new friends through this Meetup Group. One friend is Lisa Hardwick, who I recently went to Celebrate Your Life with in Chicago where I met SARK!! Look what my longing and listening to it led me to. There is nothing wrong with having feelings and longings. You have them for a reason. They are to direct you to great things. YOUR HEARTS DESIRES!