Pay It Forward Eddie!

I had an amazing Pay It Forward experience last night! The following is a note that I wrote last year. My Paying It Forward last night made me THANK Eddie again! I had pulled into a rest area to go to the restroom. When I was crossing the parking lot a car pulled up to me and the man said "Can I ask you a huge favor?" "I am almost out of gas and I am on my way to pick up my daughter." I am not sure if he was telling the truth or not but I really didn't care. It was my grandson's Pay It Forward day! I thought I will just give him the cash I have left in my pants pocket. I knew it was not too much. Reached into my pocket and pulled out a five and a one. $6.00!!!! The exact amount that Eddie had given me 7 months earlier for gas in my car. I smiled when I handed it to him and told him, people have Paid It Forward to me in gas, remember to do the same some day!

July 6, 2010

The Eddie's in this world!


Each and every day is an adventure in it self. With awe and amazement I watch as everyone of my needs are met on a daily basis. The Craig's List "free room" turned out to be a very negative situation for me so I loaded my car after 24 hours and head to the road again. With very little gas in my car and $1.50 to my name I did not know where this day would lead. I stopped at a Pilot station and filled up my thermos with their free ice. Did you know you can get free ice there? Just bring your own cup! I sat for a while pondering the map. I could see a rest area not far down the road, I like them they usually have clean restrooms, water and a shady area to "rest" under. Asking the Universe "WHAT's NEXT?" as I was munching on some cashews with a breeze blowing in the 90 some degree Indiana summer day, I receive an update to my phone from facebook. It said "Head west! Head west!". I thought way not? It was from my friend Lisa Hardwick. The plan was for me to come to her house for the weekend and go to a music festival this weekend, why not go a few days earlier? Oh yeah... I was about 90 miles from her house with only a couple of gallons of gas in my car. Off I go headed North West. About 30 miles from her house I hear that all familiar sputter sputter. I am out of gas on HWY 130 in Illinois, where there is not much of an area to pull to the side. To my amazement I was able to coast to this little gravel side road. I am off the road AND safe! Thank You Universe! Around the bend on the gravel road comes an old pickup truck pulling a trailer followed by a kid on a 4-wheeler. He asks if I need some help. I let him know I am out of gas and I only have about $1.50 to my name and I am trying to get to Charleston. Smiling he tells me to stay put, he lives just down the road and he will be back with some gas for me. When he returns he puts $6.00 in my hand and says that should get me to Charleston along with the 3 gallons he puts in my tank. I have more gas now then when I began the trip today! He tells me that he has been in my situation before and he feels that when you put good out into the world good comes back to you. I thank him and he reaches out his hand and says by the way I am Eddie. We need a world full of Eddies!

Trevor Andrew Huntsman's 4th Birthday!

Trevor Andrew Huntsman's 4th Birthday!

If when one leaves this plane there are not left behind hundreds of teary red eyes sobbing about the loss of that individual then why were they ever really here ?
Divinicus Alchemus Magicus

Tomorrow will be my grandson Trevor's 4th birthday. Preparing for this day ahead of time so that it does not catch me off guard. I decided to celebrate it in the style he would have wanted. Going in search of a cool hat! He LOVED hats! Going to find as many ways as possible to "Pay It Forward". Why don't you all join me in this celebration! Get a cool hat and find ways to "Pay It Forward" February 25th! The following is the blog of the letter I wrote to him shortly after his spirit transitioned on to new things! I feel his spirit all around me. Missing his smiling face, and determined ways!



Sunday, April 4, 2010
Memories of Trevor
I think when a loved one dies we become afraid that we will "forget". Not the person but all of those yummy moments we had with them. My granddaughters Taylor and Dakota wrote letters to their little brother Trevor Andrew Huntsman that were read at his funeral this past week. Trevor's Grandma Mary Jo also wrote a letter that was read. I thought how very nice what a way to remember.

Hi Trevor,
     Your life has touched many many lives in such a special way. Your mom was due for you on March 30th, 2007. Which would have been your Uncle Andrew's 22nd birthday. He had died in an auto accident in 2003 at the age of 18. Your mommy and daddy decided to name you after him. Your Aunt Bethany and I had been watching the movie "Pay It Forward" when Andrew died. Only recently had I been able to watch that movie again and guess what the little boys name in the movie is? Trevor! It just blew me away. The concept of the movie is to pay forward good deeds to three people without expecting anything in return. If everyone did that it would keep going forward to everyone in the world. What a way to lead our lives!
     Since you had the genetic disorder Myotonic Dystrophy you could not swallow the amniotic fluid very well and your mom went into labor for you very early. They were able to stop the labor. This enabled them to discover that you would need special care when you were born. On that Sunday evening February 25th 2007, they delivered you by cesarean section and immediately put you on a ventilator since you could not breathe on your own. My first sight of you was with tubes and wires hooked up to you everywhere. But you opened your eyes and looked at me with what I can describe as "soulful". It was the look that said "help me Grandma Lisa". Your mom and dad had to make such hard decisions for your 3 years of life. The doctors prognosis was that you would probably never be able to do anything on your own and that you would probably not have much mental ability.  You showed them! When visiting you one time in the hospital the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold you! My heart leapt with joy! It would be my first time. You were on a feeding tube so I can say it was my first time feeding you as well. I found out later that I was the first one to hold you other then mommy and daddy. How blessed I have been. (Of course you had your Chicago Bears onesie laid on you! Go Bears! I had to start the brain washing early! Aunt Penny had found it and bought it for you.)
     At the age of 5 months you were finally able to leave the hospital and come home to your family. While you were in Children's Hospital in Dayton OH you had your godparents Jackie and Bobby, who lived there, visiting and taking care of you when it was not possible for your mommy and daddy to be there. They loved and took great care of you. I rounded up a crew of people and supplies to redo your house in order for them to release you. Your whole house had to be redone. Bringing you home there had to be a separate electrical circuit, your bedroom could not be upstairs like it was planned. Walls were erected, everything was painted and cleaned. Food was stocked in the freezer. Many people who never met you helped with these tasks.
     Your daddy kept me updated on your every accomplishment. The first time you were off the ventilator, which was your first breathe. Oh how we celebrated! You always were very bright and alert. Following sounds and lights. I am a mermaid and always take all the kids swimming so I kept whispering in your ear, "Trevor you have to get better so Grandma Lisa can take you swimming. " The excitement on that December day I was able to take you in the motel pool at Donahue Christmas 2008.
     Your first birthday was celebrated at Trinity Lutheran church in Ft. Recovery when you, Taylor and Dakota were baptized. Your second birthday we celebrated at the skating rink in Winchester. They let us push you around in the umbrella stroller. You loved the lights and music and danced the night away! Your 3rd birthday I went to your moms house to give you your presents and you played with your remote control puppy and sunglasses. You did not want Grandma Lisa to leave. You never wanted anyone to leave without taking you with them. You were a guy on the move! You will forever be 3 in our hearts. How we celebrate your birthday next year I don't know right now. I have done the Polar Plunge to raise money for Special Olympics the past 2 years in Illinois in honor of your birthday! Burrr....but nothing like what your little body has endured.
     Your sisters loved you so much. Taylor is such an adult and learned all your care. She could suction your trach when it needed done. I remember last July 4th she was bagging you while your dad cleaned out your trach because your emergency bag was not supplied correctly. Dakota had dreams of marrying you. She is only 4 so the deepest love you can have for someone in her mind is marrying them.
     My last living memory I have of you is the weekend your little half brother Connor came home from the hospital which was 2 weeks before you died. Your mommy said you needed a haircut so your step-mommy Amber and cousin Michelle gave you a mohawk. It was so cute on you! I took several pictures of you with it and then blew bubbles on your tummy to hear your giggle. We discussed your little brother Connor and you patted his head and said "brother" "Connor". He will be so happy that you are his Big Brother. Your dad walked up and we said "dad" together. I asked you what your daddy name is and we said "Mark" together. What joy to hear that!
     You died at your dad's house on that early Sunday morning March 28th 2010. Your dad said you had been vomiting all day Saturday. All your stats were ok so he and your mommy did not think you needed to go to the hospital. You were not running a fever either. He said around 11 pm he checked on you before going to bed and your stat levels were all okay  and you were sleeping soundly with the pedialyte bag hooked up to you. He had kept you on the vent all day to help keep your energy level up. Around 2 am he heard the alarms go off and went in to check on you thinking you had just pulled out your trach like you had been doing lately. He said your body was stiff and cool to his touch. He ran in and told Amber to call 911 and he did CPR on you until the ambulance arrived. Your mommy and daddy had signed a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order on you when you were very little. Between sobs your daddy said when it came down to it that he could not do that he said he had to do everything he could to try and save your life.
     The viewing and funeral was a very hard thing for all those left here on earth. We know you are running, playing and laughing and just having fun right now but we miss you sooo much! Taylor did not want to leave you "alone" at the funeral home after the viewing. She just cried and cried when we were leaving. She loves you sooo much. As hard as it is for us adults to understand that your body is just a shell to house you in while you are alive. It is double hard for a 9 year old little girl to make sense of it.
     While we can no longer touch your body to gets hugs and sloppy wet kisses you are forever a part of our lives. Your spunk and joy of life gives us courage to keep going even when times are tough. If you can do what you did what excuse could we ever give? Life is good! Thanks for the memories little guy." Pay It Forward" we will indeed!
Love ya bunches,
Grandma Lisa

Wild Hair Woman

Having baby fine, wavy hair I have had difficulties keeping it under some sort of control for most of my life.

First memory of my hair is my Grandma Brown brushing it. She was in such a hurry and so rough that she brushed my ears. I remember the bristles scrapping the flesh which made me jump around. She scolded me that if I would keep it combed I would not be going through this right now.

I had a hard time understanding others who would not get their hair wet while we were swimming because they did not get their hair messed up. Hell, mine was messed up whether it was wet or not.

While traveling around for these past 2 years one of the difficult things is keeping my hair somewhat tame. On really wild hair mornings I like to show off my Phyllis Diller hairstyle, usually gets a good laugh! She is known for her wild hair, eccentric clothes and her laugh... hummm..... I might be on to something.

Just this week someone posted pictures of me on facebook from the Black Party I went to, I cringed a little bit at first when I saw them, my hair was a mess! Glad I could laugh and say oh well, who cares what your hair looked like, you had a great time. Look at yourself laughing and dancing and having fun. I received hugs from the people I had been dancing with on my way out the door, they did not care what my hair looked like either!

I have not always been that way, I refused to be in a sister picture just this past Christmas because I had morning hair!

In Brene Brown's book "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power" she points out that Americans spent just under $12.5 billion on cosmetic procedures in 2004. (I wonder what it was in 2010?)

The $38 billion hair industry.
The $33 billion diet industry.
The $24 billion skincare industry.
The $18 billion makeup industry.
The $15 billion perfume industry.
The $13 billion cosmetic surgery industry.

"That's a whole bunch of folks depending on us to see and believe messages that sell the social-community expectations of appearance. If we don't believe we're too fat, ugly and old, then they don't sell their products, they don't make their house payments. The pressure is on!"

Getting back on track of finding my value in WHO I AM not what I look l like. Not sure how I got derailed but it feels good to get on that train again!

Chugga! Chugga! Choo! Choo! I am hanging my head out the window to catch the breeze!

Saving/Changing

Saving/Changing

"When we tell our stories, we change the world."
Brene Brown
"I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power"

My mom once told me "You can't save the whole world!". Well I was going to try anyway! I have had a strong magnetic pull for the underdog.

Recently while telling "my story" to a friend about the circumstances surrounding my divorce, one part that I revisited brought the flood of tears. At the time of the event I was calm, cool, and collected. Only now I realize that I did not "feel" that feeling at the time I felt it. So here I go again "feeling" it, working through it and then letting it go.
I grew up in a home where patriarchy ruled. While I know my dad was doing the best he knew how at the time I do not condone the controlling, abusive way he treated my mom. I remember standing between them when I was a little girl crying and begging my dad not to hit my mom. I followed those statistics, which says that it gets passed down from generation to generation. The man I was married to also was controlling and abusive.

After my mom died at the age of 62, I began examining my life very closely. Saw how much mine reflected hers. I was 36 years old, what if I only have 20 some years left to live? I don't want to live the remaining day of my life like this. Nor do I want my kids to continue this cycle.

I usually don't remember my dreams but I had two very vivid dreams that were basically the same. I was in a vehicle with my then husband and my 2 youngest kids. We went into some water, I was able to "save" myself and my kids but I could not "save" him.

When leaving a controlling abusive relationship, this can be the most dangerous time for the person leaving. I sold some stock I had where I worked and hired a lawyer. My lawyer instructed me to get out important things, hide weapons and don't tell my kids until the moment we were leaving. Between my sister and some friends I had a place to hide for a couple of weeks until we could get a court date.

The day arrived March 10th, 2000. I went to the elementary school and picked up my 2 youngest children and told them what we were doing. They seemed okay with it. They did not like the way their dad treated me. Then I drove to the high school to pick up my 2 oldest and told them what we were doing. They told me "Mom, we are not going with you." at the time I understood. My oldest son's girlfriend was pregnant so he was staying close to her. My second oldest son, didn't like change. The day of this event, I was okay with everything. Retelling this part I choked up and the tears stung my eyes. It was one of the more difficult parts of my divorce, leaving 2 of my children behind, I could not save them either. They were not part of my dream, so I should have known.

Eleven years later I can look back and know that I made the right decision.

I might not be able to save everyone in the world but maybe, just maybe, by telling my story I can change the world.

As Cold As Ice

As Cold As Ice


A couple of days ago I over heard a friend talking to their mom on the phone. I began to feel sad. Working on not squelching my feelings lately, I "felt" the sadness. What was it about? Then waves of wanting came. I can't talk to my mom on the phone. I miss my mom. I didn't know that not being able to call my mom up anytime and tell her anything, bothered me, until I "felt" the feeling.

While my mom was sick with leukemia she wrote us letters to be opened after she died. I recalled that part of mine said " Remember even if I am not there for you to touch and talk to just go to your own world (a.k.a. Lisa Land to my family) and I'll be waiting for you." So I did! I went to Lisa Land where there is fresh air, trees, and water and talked to my mom. I told her how much I miss her, told her that I have been crying a lot lately and I don't know what is up with that. When I walked across the suspension bridge a man tells me "What a difference a day makes. Yesterday this creek was solid ice except for a little trickle of water."

A vision that I had several years ago about my heart and the condition of it came to me again. In the vision I saw my heart encased in ice. When my heart began soften and warm, the ice began to melt and those were my tears. Every time I did not "feel" my feelings another layer of ice encircled my heart. Another layer every time I pretended something did not bother me when it really did, often I would laugh when I really should be crying. I don't want to wallow in the pain, but I know it doesn't do me any good not to "feel" them either.

The icy coldness that I have had around my heart is melting. It is an inside job, getting warmer and warmer. It might not be too pretty, the murky creek wasn't either, but it is freeing to "feel" what I need to "feel" and let it go!

For those of you in my past who have made fun of me for going to Lisa Land, let me tell you it is a nice here. Now I must go wash the mud off my shoes. Maybe it is not just a pretend place to go after all.

I Radiate Love and Happiness

I Radiate Love and Happiness!

 

Last May I attended a workshop in Chicago on Finding Your Soulmate taught by Arielle Ford.  I have been single for almost 11 years and have been thinking I don't want to be alone much longer. I am not feeling lonely, just alone, wanting someone to share an intimate life with, MY soulmate. Several steps were suggested, such as making a list of the qualities you are looking for, then burning that paper and releasing it to the Universe. Coloring a Mandela while repeating the qualities you are wanting in a soulmate. Also cleaning out your life to make room for your soulmate to enter it, and becoming the person that your soulmate would be attracted to. Feelizations, which are affirmations you say to yourself, not only verbally but feeling them!

This past week, I received an e-mail from this workshop with the affirmations

 

 

I radiate love and happiness

 

I am deserving of love

 

Love comes easily and effortlessly

 

My soulmate is on the way to me now

 

I am a love magnet

 

 

I have to warn you that this really does work so be careful if you use them!

 

I had been repeating the last one I am a love magnet over and over to myself while out shopping on Tuesday. Walking through the stores, I was visualizing myself as a magnet with hearts zooming toward me, feeling the clink, clink and the warm glow flow through my body.

 

I found some Strathmore watercolor paper on clearance at Meijer's, so excited, I had used all I had and needed more!

When checking out the cashier asked me if me if I was an artist. I love that I can now say "YES, why YES I am!"

He asked if I had some pictures on my phone.

"NO, why NO I don't!"

I handed him my business card, he read it while putting it in his wallet.

"Lisa! That is my girlfriends name, I love her, and she motivated me to go to college."

 I looked at his name tag, "your name is David? That is my ex husbands name!"

"Now you just burst my bubble." he said while shaking his head.

We laughed and exchanged more pleasant conversation. Turns out his birthday are the same as my oldest granddaughter.  He said she must be pretty special then.

 

He said "I love my job!" "I always meet the coolest people!" He was radiating love and happiness and I was a love magnet!  Clink! Clink!

What a pleasant experience! My friend was a few lanes down and told me her cashier heard us laughing and was enjoying it.

 

RADIATE and MAGNETIZE!!!!

My Needs Are Always Provided For

My needs are always provided for.

I really believe this affirmation for my physical needs. Recently it was put to the test for my emotional ones.

I have made some decisions for myself about setting boundaries and sticking to them. This has not been an easy thing for me.

When the test came to establish the line, my heart hurt but I knew it was the best for me. "NO" why is that such a hard word to say? I said it! Now the real test sticking to them. I really wanted to be like the Coke commercial I had just seen recently. Two guards walking back and forth along the "line in the sand". One decides to share a bottle of Coke with the other. He sits down the bottle and draws a line around it, then the other guard erases the line on his side. The motto is " Open Happiness". REALLY? Could I modify the line and remain happy? NO!

Thrust into a situation where the NO had to remain a NO. My heart ached. My body revolted in stomach pains that made me feel like I could vomit at any time. My head hurt and my eyes were weepy. I wanted to scream and throw my body on the floor, pounding my fists and kicking my legs in a full fledged temper tantrum. Since that is not appropriate behavior for a 47 year old woman in public I decided to try and recenter myself through writing it out. I flipped open my phone to the notes section. Since this  acceptable in public and it was the only thing I had to write with. I stopped and read the note that was staring me.

"YOU are seen! YOU are KNOWN! YOU are loved!" SARK

Tears stung my eyes, THAT was the issue here. The tantrum that I wanted to throw was about "I need some attention here!" "What about me?" The universe lovingly provided my needs once again.

Repeating those words helped bring me back to center. They did not CHANGE the situation, they simply CHANGED my view about it!

Later, still aching from the stings of my decisions, I got in the shower and turned the radio up loud, so no one could hear me and sobbed uncontrollably. I just can't do this! Again I felt all alone, almost as if I was invisible. I had no one with whom I could share this heartache with. Then the miracles came, 3 blasts from the past. Friends who I had not talked to in a long time, 2 called me and 1 wrote me. The words were the same basically. "I remember the fun times we had." YOU are seen!  "I just thought about you."  YOU are known!  "I love you!" YOU are loved! 

After the 3rd one I looked up to the sky, with gratitude, I said "I must be pretty bad off if you need to send me 3 messengers." THANK YOU!

When I get that urge to call someone, I want to listen, and do it. Who knows what words of encouragement they need from me.

YOU are seen. YOU are known. YOU are loved. SARK

"I don't wanna....."

Staring out the window one day while painfully trying to write about MY grief and how it has threaded goldenly through my life even before I was born, my overwhelming thought was "I don't wanna... do it!"

Then WHY are you? BECAUSE it is MY life and I am trying to tell MY life story? Because some friends and family said that is what I "should" do? Because it is what people NEED?

But I WANT to write about spirituality, sexuality, feminism, relationships, creativity, wholeness!

Ding ding ding....WINNER! Those things are ME too! New writing has begun, digging deeper into those and writing, for me... what I wanna!

Golden threads weaving the tapestry of my life, I can only see the sections, the knots, the stops, the starts. How can this ever be something beautiful to look at when finished? Finding the balance, finding the plan, the purpose, the pattern.

Finding My Voice

A jumble of thought has been binging against the creases in my brain for a few days and I thought by writing them down it might straighten them out into a coherent form.

In the last few weeks I have come across events in my life where in the past I might have kept my opinion to myself. I think, "man I wish I could say this or that to the person". Why don't you? I hear that voice in my head ask. Uh.... Soon I am watching the person stop and look at me as the words pass my lips. I am finding my voice.

When did I lose it?

On Saturday a friend and I went to watch the movie "The King's Speech". While I don't want to give the movie away for those of you who have not seen it, I need to share parts of it. The Duke of York stutters when he speaks. He reveals some abuse he had as a child at about the same time the stuttering began. This triggered some of the binging thoughts I need to put on paper.

My voice why did I lose it?

"But if you take away my voice," said the little mermaid, "what is left for me?"

"Your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man's heart." (sea witch)

Who did I give it away for?
Maybe my LOVE of WATER is not the only reason I chose to be Chicago Mermaid.


This morning I pop onto Facebook and these quotes are there placed especially for me.

Randy Grossman: "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~ Harvey Fierstein


Patti Digh:
Sometimes it is just really necessary to use your outside voice. Speak up.

I went in search of this one.
If you have the feeling that something is wrong, don't be afraid to speak up.
Fred Korematsu


Thoughts of working at the Domestic Violence shelter swished through.
http://www.SinBySilence.com
Does it really matter to me WHEN, HOW or WHO to? I don't really know. One thing I do know for sure I am very glad I am finding it again.