Thursday, February 17, 2011
As Cold As Ice
As Cold As Ice
A couple of days ago I over heard a friend talking to their mom on the phone. I began to feel sad. Working on not squelching my feelings lately, I "felt" the sadness. What was it about? Then waves of wanting came. I can't talk to my mom on the phone. I miss my mom. I didn't know that not being able to call my mom up anytime and tell her anything, bothered me, until I "felt" the feeling.
While my mom was sick with leukemia she wrote us letters to be opened after she died. I recalled that part of mine said " Remember even if I am not there for you to touch and talk to just go to your own world (a.k.a. Lisa Land to my family) and I'll be waiting for you." So I did! I went to Lisa Land where there is fresh air, trees, and water and talked to my mom. I told her how much I miss her, told her that I have been crying a lot lately and I don't know what is up with that. When I walked across the suspension bridge a man tells me "What a difference a day makes. Yesterday this creek was solid ice except for a little trickle of water."
A vision that I had several years ago about my heart and the condition of it came to me again. In the vision I saw my heart encased in ice. When my heart began soften and warm, the ice began to melt and those were my tears. Every time I did not "feel" my feelings another layer of ice encircled my heart. Another layer every time I pretended something did not bother me when it really did, often I would laugh when I really should be crying. I don't want to wallow in the pain, but I know it doesn't do me any good not to "feel" them either.
The icy coldness that I have had around my heart is melting. It is an inside job, getting warmer and warmer. It might not be too pretty, the murky creek wasn't either, but it is freeing to "feel" what I need to "feel" and let it go!
For those of you in my past who have made fun of me for going to Lisa Land, let me tell you it is a nice here. Now I must go wash the mud off my shoes. Maybe it is not just a pretend place to go after all.