You Are Not Alone

You Are Not Alone


I woke up this morning with the song "You Are Not Alone" going through my head. Then several different places on Facebook I saw that phrase this morning. An event came to my mind, when I was in California a couple of years ago. I had left Indiana on April 20th, 2009 with $334, and everything I owned in my little red 2003 Ford Focus. I was headed to a Mermaid Mixed Media workshop taught by Suzi Blu. Where I was going after that I didn't have a clue! I was going to let my intuition guide me! I would have my final check from my job deposited in my bank account in a couple of weeks so I would have some money in the future. My plan was to land wherever my money ran out or my car broke down.

 It is Saturday May 2nd, 2009, my cash is depleted, and my final check has not been deposited in my account yet. While hanging out on the beach everyday is not a bad thing, I have decided I want to take the train down to San Diego. I walked to the depot to see how much a ticket would cost, so I could plan when I got my money deposited. It was an automated system and there was an elderly lady trying to figure out how to get her ticket. I helped her read the instructions and purchase her ticket. While we were standing there talking waiting for the train we notice a sign that states the train will be there at 10am. She says "well shoot that will be too late for me to meet my friends. Would you like my ticket?" WOULD I !?!?!? squeal!! a~bun~dance! dance! dance! dance! 

I go to my car and pack some snacks for the day, since I dont have cash to buy anything to eat. Now to figure out the train and where I helped this lady purchase a ticket for "me" to go to!!!! Turns out I am going to Old San Diego and they are having a Cinco De Mayo festival! Lots of free music, food samples (I wouldn't have needed to bring my snacks after all! Just another step in me learning that The Universe Always Provides!)
When exiting the train in Old Town, 
I had checked the schedule and decided to leave on the last possible train back to my car! I wanted to soak up as much of this fun, positive energy as I could. Right before the next to last train was leaving I heard and felt that familiar nudging "go now" but... but... "go now" I wanted to stay, but learning to listen to and follow my intuition I knew it was for a good reason.

I went back to the train station and sat on the bench, pulled out "The Red Book" to read while I waited. I heard a voice, this time it came from a young girl. "That looks like an interesting book." I knew why I needed to take the earlier train. Her story goes something like this, 18 years old, in and out of foster care most of her life, has found the most comfort in doing art, back with mom but mom doesn't seem to want her there, headed to see her boyfriend, go to Disneyland, and looking for a job.

I tell her my story of how I landed in California and on that train that day. I could tell it touched her! I encouraged her to continue finding comfort in her art. She told me that she loved the purple bracelet I was wearing. Purple is her favorite color. I looked down at it and smiled! You see I had found this bracelet on the ground the last time I was in Chicago. I take it off and hand it to her, telling her the story of me finding it in Chicago, her eyes lit up "I have always wanted to go to Chicago" she gasps!

Often I wonder about Desiree, did she make it to Chicago yet? Is she finding comfort in her art? When she looks at that purple bracelet does she remember that "She Is Not Alone"?

If You Get the Chance I Hope You Just Laugh!

If You Get the Chance I Hope You Just Laugh!


Andrew David Huntsman 3/30/1985-11/22/2003 My son! Happy Birthday! Love and Miss you!



Knowing this day was coming up I decided to find a way to celebrate it in the style that Andrew would have wanted. As people walked through the line at the viewing for him, over and over I heard " He always made me laugh!" So this year I am going to LAUGH! Please join me! Find a reason to laugh in honor of Andrew's birthday!


"My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry." Maya Angelou

Sharing my story!

I have had a "situation" in my life that I want "fixed'! I am so exhausted and have just wanted to "quit" EVERYTHING! I am in a place in my life where I see the spiritual world and physical world mixed together. I asked the spiritual world to just let me "quit" and lay down my physical body and "pass over" to the spiritual realm. I hear "just wait to see how this all plays out". So I guess the answer is I must keep on going. I want to see HOW it is going to play out! NOW!!!! I have never been known for my patience in waiting for things. I am the little girl (woman) who would sneak, gently pull the tape off the wrapping paper see what my present was, then put it back together, and under the tree. Once again I find the importance of sharing our stories with others, writing our stories down. I was reminded of one of the events that happened to me while I was in California. I found that journal entry and I am sharing parts of it with you. This story goes.... listen to your intuition... follow it... travel light.... it's about the climb... trust... share your story!


May 8, 2009

I am sitting on the coast of Big Sur smelling a wonderful fragrance and watching the waves crash against the rocks. I slept in my car at Andrew (M...) State Park. I washed up and shaved my legs in the bathroom. It felt wonderful. I stopped and ate breakfast of a ham and cheese quiche and coffee. It was so good. I took a cup of coffee with me and a chocolate chip cookie. When I went into the gift shop right before I ate I saw a picture (first thing) of three pears on a table over looking the water and mountains. I knew I was at the right place.

****

Last night I came down the coast in the dark. I was sad, I was missing the scenery in the day light. Then I listened to my spirit. "You only need to see what the headlights in front of you show." Okay I get it ! My journey will only be revealed by a little at a time I just need to follow the light. Travel light, be the light, spread the light. There is one more thing about the light but I forget it right now. I listened to a song by Miley Cyrus last night right before I embarked on this leg. It is called "The Climb" I am sure it is the song that Samantha was talking about. It's not the destination, it's not whats on the other side it is the climb.

****

I talked to (a friend) yesterday and she asked what I am going to do when the money ran out. That hurt a little and put a bit of a damper on my spirit. God didn't bring me here to let me starve the Red Book said. I need to copy that down in my journal. It was so fitting when I read that part. When God tells you to go someplace GO and all will be provided for you. I have come to blossom and do what I am on this earth to do CREATE! CREATE! I do feel peaceful here. I need to create the "story" about the pear. Not sure what it will bring but I know it is a story I need to share.

****

I feel so blessed and grateful. I was suffocating before. I know I would rather risk it all and be a "starving artist" even starve to death. I know I won't starve but if I had to choose and I have chosen! This is the path for me. There is something magical here!

****


When I was writing that it is peaceful here and I need to share my pear story I saw a hawk flying around. I take that as a very good sign.

My Sassy Self is Back!

My Sassy Self is BACK!


December 31, 2001/ January 1, 2002

My daughter Bethany's Story

"Hey you want to go for a ride with us, in this van we stole?" My gut told me not to get in the van, but I did it anyway. The ride was so much fun even though the driver was only years 13 years old. The 3 of us took turns on our joy ride around the country side! I don't remember much for the next few days, you see by not listening to what my gut said I was in a serious van accident, flown by a helicopter to a major hospital and in intensive care for 10 days.

My version of what transpired those next 10 days.

My daughter Bethany was thrown from the van, receiving multiple injuries. The 2 "friends" who were with her thought she was dead and drug her body up under some pine trees to hide her. They walked for a couple of miles to get a way to come back and get her. Their plan was to throw her in the gravel pit so no would find her. Two angels were sent to find her before they got back. An EMT at the scene recognized her and called my dad. My dad called me and said Bethany was in a van wreck and she isn't doing very good they are flying her to Ft. Wayne.

Oh my God!

I went into action and preceded to get to Ft. Wayne as fast as I could. When I got there they would not let me go back to her until the chaplain got there to take me.

Oh my God!

As I sat there watching the ball drop in Times Square ringing in the New Year, thinking my 14 year old daughter was dead.

When I first saw her she was strapped down to a board with blood all over her. While she does not remember it, she said to me "Mom no matter what happens, just remember I LOVE YOU." I will remember!

Her next words were toward the people working on her "Damn it I said give me something to drink!" We all laughed and I knew then she was going to live!

I would not leave her side for days. Her internal organs were damaged and she had a skull fracture. They had decided to see if her body would heal itself without doing surgery. On her last day at the hospital they moved her down to the pediatric ward. I was exhausted, and went into a deep sleep on the couch there. That is until she woke me up and told me to QUIT SNORING SO LOUD. Sassy music to my ears!
It took weeks of rehab and rest but she is recovered, almost completely, she has scars for life and hearing loss. She does not blame the kids she was with, it was her decision to get in the van that day. The best thing she received from this is to listen to her gut, listen to her intuition.

FAST FORWARD to recent events in my life!

I had the chance to get in the "van" of what I thought was the "cool kid" van! My gut said "don't do it!" But did I listen? NO I DID NOT!

I got in the "cool kid" van and had a ton of fun on this joy ride I knew I was not suppose to be on. That is until it wrecked and I was thrown from it and drug up under the trees left for dead!

I have spent the past 2 years traveling around the country with everything I own in my car! Packing and unpacking as I went from place to place! I have traveled with my 3 piece pear project that I did out of clay while I was in college. It was my art therapy after my 18 year old son Andrew died in an auto accident. I named it BIRTH, LIFE and DEATH. One time when I was leaving this "cool kids" house, they said I could leave some of my stuff there if I did not want to put everything back in my car. Whew that was a relief! Only thing was when I came back, I found that the piece I had named LIFE was BROKEN! They had some construction done and my stuff was moved and in the process my LIFE was broken! After all the traveling, packing, unpacking it broke where I thought it was SAFE!

I have spent days in "intensive care". Funny it is my daughter who has been by my side this time. I know after some rehab and rest I will recover, almost completely! There will be a permanent scar, I will never be the same, neither will my pear project. I do not blame the "cool kids" it was my decision to get in that van. The crack and glue will be a reminder to me to listen to my gut. To listen to my intuition.

My Sassy Self is Back to! I have been very cautious about what I have said for too long, I did not want to "offend" anyone! But in the process I was not being true to myself. My desire is to be my AUTHENTIC self, and it feels really GOOD!

What are you afraid of?

What are you afraid of?
 
Recently I talking to my sister about my desire to hold workshops for people. My vision a couple years earlier that I shared with the leader of the singles group was to have them for the singles. I thought my sister and her husband could lead the one on finances because they were following the Dave Ramsey program and had turned that part of their life around. Also another one I thought of my other sister and her husband could do would be about marriage. They have one of the best relationships I have seen and they were doing the Fireproof program. I told my sister I think mine would be on Creative Problem Solving. She stopped me and said I think yours should be on FEAR. You show people how "not to be afraid". Yeah, she was right. I just want to ask people when they are telling me their problems. "What are you afraid of?" I see so much FEAR in people. I get scared sometimes but I do it anyway! I got to thinking that I need to write a blog about this. The morning pages that follow is an example of one time I was scared, did it anyway and the awesome story that I have to tell from it. Forgive some of the grammar, these are streams of thought that really aren't suppose to be shared with anyone, but I just had to! Leading up to this entry I had been in Portland Oregon. I left my new art friends house with 1/4 tank of gas and 50 cents on June 1st. Staying in rest areas until I needed to just get this FEAR of "what is next?" over with.
 
 
 
June 4, 2009
Yesterday was very eventful. I was sitting at a rest area in Oregon. I was reading the book "A Million Little Pieces" and crying about what I was going to do about my gas and money situation. I said God if you want me to stay here fine I will, but I really think I am suppose to go see Casey. If you want me to go to Sacramento then you are going to have to figure out how to do that. I hear "focus on the end that you want NOT how to get there." I start seeing my gas tank full and the book I am writing, being on the Oprah show and living in my beautiful house by the ocean. I feel the urge to move. I have been driving for 82 miles with the gas light on and before I was able to drive 90 miles before I ran out. I just think I need to get this over with. I am going to drive south as far as I can go and see what happens. I drive to the next exit to see if I can find an ATM machine. I can't find one so I drive on and see a Credit Union. I check my balance and it says $7.06 in there so I can take $2.06 out. But the machine only gives out in $20. Okay I am back on Interstate 5 headed South. I am South of Eugene and I know I am getting close to being out I pray and say "you know God you could just keep my tank full like you did by keeping oil in the lamp for the Israelites." I know also I need to consider all my options. I start checking for mile markers. It runs out at mile marker 184 South of Eugene Oregon. Another 8 for me. I call AAA and wait for them to come and bring me gas. I am told they bring 5 gallons. Well 5 gallons will get me a little bit closer to California I think. The guy comes and only puts what looks like 1 1/2 gallons in. I know that won't work because I have run out of gas before and it took more gas to get my car started. He says it is probably something else and he can tow me up to 100 miles. I smile and say okay. Inside I am thinking that much closer to California. I am thinking "Slumdog Millionaire" I have been through this before I know the answer. I am not scared. I know there isn't anything wrong with my car it just needs more gas. That is a simple fix. Whoohoo gas and a tow A BUN DANCE!! I had been listening to a radio station of positive uplifting music. That is how they market it. Something like we play happy music to make you feel good. Wish I could remember the song I heard but I can't right now. But I sang along feeling good. Well the guy Craig, tries to let them tow me to Grants Pass but it is about 20 miles  past where AAA will pay. He says it will cost me $80. I tell him just take me as far as they will pay I don't have money to pay the extra. While we are driving and talking I am having a good time someone to talk to. He is very intelligent and funny. He brings up politics and religion and how he has traveled the country and realizes that politics and religion are everywhere and how can so many people have such different religions. How can it be true? He says religion is just believing in a higher power. Something higher then yourself. I agree so agree. I tell him my story or some of it. I tell him my baby turned 21 and he is shocked he says he never would have guessed me to have a 21 year old. I tell him my oldest is 26. In the course of time I figure out he is 34. We talk about our fun divorces. He says his is a 10 year prison sentence that has cost him $364,000. Oh wow mine is less.  He tells stories from his job. He says he works a lot and does not get to see his two kids much they are 10 and 11. I had picked a flower along the road and have it on my lap and it is shriveling. He says your flower is getting smaller. I said I have it to cheer me up maybe I should have left it beside the road. He says no you just took its water source away from it. BINGO that is me. I shrivel when you take my water source away from me. We talk about my car, he says it might be the fuel pump. I know it isn't but I let him talk. Then he says it could be the fuel shut off. Did you hit a bump? I say I don't know. I said maybe it just needs more gas. He said maybe. We pull into Roseburg and he is going to try it one more time and check the fuel shut off. He had left the key on and the car was dead so he has to jump it. It still won't start he says he will put 2 more gallons in and see. It starts! He says it is my lucky day. Yes, yes, yes, indeed! I get towed over 60 miles and almost 4 gallons of gas. I could almost make it back to the California border. I go to the bank that is close by and pretend like I am going to get some money out. TOO funny! I come back and he is standing at the bathroom. I go to the bathroom too. I left my flower in the truck for him. He also said something very cool about my car starting. He said do you think it will start? I say yes! He says do you hope it will or do you really believe it will? I tell him I believe in the law of attraction. I am believing. Also all morning I had been saying "Look my gas tank is full!" Well I "hear" that I need to go to a pawn shop and sell my jewelry to at least get a tank of gas. I look around and don't see any. I see a JC Penney, JoAnne's and Michael's I decide to go walk around and in them to see if I can "find" any money anyone has dropped. Any little bit will help. I walk that way and see a Western Oregon Jewelry store with a sign that says they will buy gold and silver. Whoohoo! I almost run back to my car to get my jewelry. I had been leaving pieces of it along the way for people to find. I had just left a pair of silver ones at a rest area that morning. I take the jewelry in and they are very nice saying at least I brought in more then most. I am happy to be rid of the past jewelry. I keep my secret ring that Cindy had got me and my bracelet from Paris from Tina and the earrings that Penny gave me that are blue. He probably wouldn't have bought them from me anyway. I have decided to only keep my favorites. Oh I forgot the really cool thing I had separated the gold out earlier in my journey when I pulled the bag out it felt heavy I opened it and had $3.50 in quarters in it. I was so excited. I talked to the lady and guy and told them my story. She says she is 46 and doing the same thing changing careers. Packing up and going to culinary school. He says he joined the carnival when he was a teenager. She says yeah but you became a cop after that. She said he doesn't like to talk about that part. He said because I hated that job! I say and now you are a jeweler. He is separating out the pieces. He offers me $85 for it. I am ecstatic about it! I had just won the lottery, I get to go to Sacramento. I get to go back to California! WhooHoo! I have a full tank of gas and some money. I know he probably did not give me a fair price I had opals, diamonds and other gems with the silver and gold but I don't care I was giving it away along my journey anyway. When I am leaving them I tell them I am writing a book about my journey. So one day when they pick up a book called "7 Jars of Peanut Butter" that's me! She says and we will be in it. I say yes. Then I ask them for a card. I am jumping and skipping and dancing all the way back to my car. A BUN DANCE! I fill my car up then head south. The gas attendant says INDIANA? What did you have car trouble? Because he had see my car unloaded from the tow truck. (They pump your gas when you are in Oregon.) I say no "I just ran out of gas." When I am driving I keep singing "I have a full tank of gas and I have money. Thank you! Thank you!" I know you can't wipe the smile off my face. I don't think I am going to stop to pee until I get to California, but at one rest area there is a sign that says free coffee. I think that sounds good, I haven't had a cup for probably a week. I have been drinking my herbal tea which I know is good for me. They don't have coffee. Oh well I can buy me a cup in the morning 'cause I got money!!!! I drive through the beautiful mountain, they are just gorgeous. There is a thunder and lightning storm which is awesome as well. I don't know if I had ever been this close to the clouds when it was lightning. The cool clean crisp air and the scent of the pine trees when it rained. It was so much like a Christmas smell. When I get to California I am rejoicing. I stop at a rest area and at the back of it is a stream/river/water source running by it. I have found some water again. California has an inspection station when you come in. Crack me up. I wonder if any other state has that. That guy at the one rest area said that California is like its own country. The guy asked me if I had any animals or produce. I say apples and bananas in my cooler. He says apples are okay this time of year because they are coming out of cold storage. I ask him if bananas are okay? He says bananas are always okay because we are all bananas down here. I just laugh! Way too fun! I stop at a rest area near Sacramento. Actually about 90 miles North of it. It feels good to sleep I am so tired. I set my alarm for 8 hours because that is all you can stay in a rest area. I get up in the morning and head to McDonalds and get my coffee and sandwich. Usually you can get a sandwich for $1 but this McDonalds don't have it. I am very thankful for my coffee. When I get here the song "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus was playing. I met a fun group of ladies who were having coffee. I overheard one of them say something about Donahue. I asked them and the one lady said her Great Grandmother married a Donahue. He said he would take care of her Great Grandmother when her Great Grandfather died. She said she had 1/2 relatives who were Donahue. Way too cool! Way fun! She said she grew up on The Donahue Estates in San Francisco. Awesome! I need to explore San Francisco some more. What an awesome day I have in front of me! Explore! Explore! I tell the ladies bye and tell them I am writing a book about my travels called "7 Jars of Peanut Butter" They laugh and say are you on the 7th book yet? I tell them I probably have enough to write 7 books. The one says so you are not from Willis? I guess that is where I am at. She said I look very familiar. I get that a lot I say. The ladies say we pray for travelers everyday so you will be in our prayers. The one lady says if you come back and want to stay here we can probably find you some cheap rent. A BUN DANCE! Whoohoo! They asked me earlier where I was going to settle? I had told them wherever my car dies or I run out of money.

Pay It Forward Eddie!

I had an amazing Pay It Forward experience last night! The following is a note that I wrote last year. My Paying It Forward last night made me THANK Eddie again! I had pulled into a rest area to go to the restroom. When I was crossing the parking lot a car pulled up to me and the man said "Can I ask you a huge favor?" "I am almost out of gas and I am on my way to pick up my daughter." I am not sure if he was telling the truth or not but I really didn't care. It was my grandson's Pay It Forward day! I thought I will just give him the cash I have left in my pants pocket. I knew it was not too much. Reached into my pocket and pulled out a five and a one. $6.00!!!! The exact amount that Eddie had given me 7 months earlier for gas in my car. I smiled when I handed it to him and told him, people have Paid It Forward to me in gas, remember to do the same some day!

July 6, 2010

The Eddie's in this world!


Each and every day is an adventure in it self. With awe and amazement I watch as everyone of my needs are met on a daily basis. The Craig's List "free room" turned out to be a very negative situation for me so I loaded my car after 24 hours and head to the road again. With very little gas in my car and $1.50 to my name I did not know where this day would lead. I stopped at a Pilot station and filled up my thermos with their free ice. Did you know you can get free ice there? Just bring your own cup! I sat for a while pondering the map. I could see a rest area not far down the road, I like them they usually have clean restrooms, water and a shady area to "rest" under. Asking the Universe "WHAT's NEXT?" as I was munching on some cashews with a breeze blowing in the 90 some degree Indiana summer day, I receive an update to my phone from facebook. It said "Head west! Head west!". I thought way not? It was from my friend Lisa Hardwick. The plan was for me to come to her house for the weekend and go to a music festival this weekend, why not go a few days earlier? Oh yeah... I was about 90 miles from her house with only a couple of gallons of gas in my car. Off I go headed North West. About 30 miles from her house I hear that all familiar sputter sputter. I am out of gas on HWY 130 in Illinois, where there is not much of an area to pull to the side. To my amazement I was able to coast to this little gravel side road. I am off the road AND safe! Thank You Universe! Around the bend on the gravel road comes an old pickup truck pulling a trailer followed by a kid on a 4-wheeler. He asks if I need some help. I let him know I am out of gas and I only have about $1.50 to my name and I am trying to get to Charleston. Smiling he tells me to stay put, he lives just down the road and he will be back with some gas for me. When he returns he puts $6.00 in my hand and says that should get me to Charleston along with the 3 gallons he puts in my tank. I have more gas now then when I began the trip today! He tells me that he has been in my situation before and he feels that when you put good out into the world good comes back to you. I thank him and he reaches out his hand and says by the way I am Eddie. We need a world full of Eddies!

Trevor Andrew Huntsman's 4th Birthday!

Trevor Andrew Huntsman's 4th Birthday!

If when one leaves this plane there are not left behind hundreds of teary red eyes sobbing about the loss of that individual then why were they ever really here ?
Divinicus Alchemus Magicus

Tomorrow will be my grandson Trevor's 4th birthday. Preparing for this day ahead of time so that it does not catch me off guard. I decided to celebrate it in the style he would have wanted. Going in search of a cool hat! He LOVED hats! Going to find as many ways as possible to "Pay It Forward". Why don't you all join me in this celebration! Get a cool hat and find ways to "Pay It Forward" February 25th! The following is the blog of the letter I wrote to him shortly after his spirit transitioned on to new things! I feel his spirit all around me. Missing his smiling face, and determined ways!



Sunday, April 4, 2010
Memories of Trevor
I think when a loved one dies we become afraid that we will "forget". Not the person but all of those yummy moments we had with them. My granddaughters Taylor and Dakota wrote letters to their little brother Trevor Andrew Huntsman that were read at his funeral this past week. Trevor's Grandma Mary Jo also wrote a letter that was read. I thought how very nice what a way to remember.

Hi Trevor,
     Your life has touched many many lives in such a special way. Your mom was due for you on March 30th, 2007. Which would have been your Uncle Andrew's 22nd birthday. He had died in an auto accident in 2003 at the age of 18. Your mommy and daddy decided to name you after him. Your Aunt Bethany and I had been watching the movie "Pay It Forward" when Andrew died. Only recently had I been able to watch that movie again and guess what the little boys name in the movie is? Trevor! It just blew me away. The concept of the movie is to pay forward good deeds to three people without expecting anything in return. If everyone did that it would keep going forward to everyone in the world. What a way to lead our lives!
     Since you had the genetic disorder Myotonic Dystrophy you could not swallow the amniotic fluid very well and your mom went into labor for you very early. They were able to stop the labor. This enabled them to discover that you would need special care when you were born. On that Sunday evening February 25th 2007, they delivered you by cesarean section and immediately put you on a ventilator since you could not breathe on your own. My first sight of you was with tubes and wires hooked up to you everywhere. But you opened your eyes and looked at me with what I can describe as "soulful". It was the look that said "help me Grandma Lisa". Your mom and dad had to make such hard decisions for your 3 years of life. The doctors prognosis was that you would probably never be able to do anything on your own and that you would probably not have much mental ability.  You showed them! When visiting you one time in the hospital the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold you! My heart leapt with joy! It would be my first time. You were on a feeding tube so I can say it was my first time feeding you as well. I found out later that I was the first one to hold you other then mommy and daddy. How blessed I have been. (Of course you had your Chicago Bears onesie laid on you! Go Bears! I had to start the brain washing early! Aunt Penny had found it and bought it for you.)
     At the age of 5 months you were finally able to leave the hospital and come home to your family. While you were in Children's Hospital in Dayton OH you had your godparents Jackie and Bobby, who lived there, visiting and taking care of you when it was not possible for your mommy and daddy to be there. They loved and took great care of you. I rounded up a crew of people and supplies to redo your house in order for them to release you. Your whole house had to be redone. Bringing you home there had to be a separate electrical circuit, your bedroom could not be upstairs like it was planned. Walls were erected, everything was painted and cleaned. Food was stocked in the freezer. Many people who never met you helped with these tasks.
     Your daddy kept me updated on your every accomplishment. The first time you were off the ventilator, which was your first breathe. Oh how we celebrated! You always were very bright and alert. Following sounds and lights. I am a mermaid and always take all the kids swimming so I kept whispering in your ear, "Trevor you have to get better so Grandma Lisa can take you swimming. " The excitement on that December day I was able to take you in the motel pool at Donahue Christmas 2008.
     Your first birthday was celebrated at Trinity Lutheran church in Ft. Recovery when you, Taylor and Dakota were baptized. Your second birthday we celebrated at the skating rink in Winchester. They let us push you around in the umbrella stroller. You loved the lights and music and danced the night away! Your 3rd birthday I went to your moms house to give you your presents and you played with your remote control puppy and sunglasses. You did not want Grandma Lisa to leave. You never wanted anyone to leave without taking you with them. You were a guy on the move! You will forever be 3 in our hearts. How we celebrate your birthday next year I don't know right now. I have done the Polar Plunge to raise money for Special Olympics the past 2 years in Illinois in honor of your birthday! Burrr....but nothing like what your little body has endured.
     Your sisters loved you so much. Taylor is such an adult and learned all your care. She could suction your trach when it needed done. I remember last July 4th she was bagging you while your dad cleaned out your trach because your emergency bag was not supplied correctly. Dakota had dreams of marrying you. She is only 4 so the deepest love you can have for someone in her mind is marrying them.
     My last living memory I have of you is the weekend your little half brother Connor came home from the hospital which was 2 weeks before you died. Your mommy said you needed a haircut so your step-mommy Amber and cousin Michelle gave you a mohawk. It was so cute on you! I took several pictures of you with it and then blew bubbles on your tummy to hear your giggle. We discussed your little brother Connor and you patted his head and said "brother" "Connor". He will be so happy that you are his Big Brother. Your dad walked up and we said "dad" together. I asked you what your daddy name is and we said "Mark" together. What joy to hear that!
     You died at your dad's house on that early Sunday morning March 28th 2010. Your dad said you had been vomiting all day Saturday. All your stats were ok so he and your mommy did not think you needed to go to the hospital. You were not running a fever either. He said around 11 pm he checked on you before going to bed and your stat levels were all okay  and you were sleeping soundly with the pedialyte bag hooked up to you. He had kept you on the vent all day to help keep your energy level up. Around 2 am he heard the alarms go off and went in to check on you thinking you had just pulled out your trach like you had been doing lately. He said your body was stiff and cool to his touch. He ran in and told Amber to call 911 and he did CPR on you until the ambulance arrived. Your mommy and daddy had signed a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order on you when you were very little. Between sobs your daddy said when it came down to it that he could not do that he said he had to do everything he could to try and save your life.
     The viewing and funeral was a very hard thing for all those left here on earth. We know you are running, playing and laughing and just having fun right now but we miss you sooo much! Taylor did not want to leave you "alone" at the funeral home after the viewing. She just cried and cried when we were leaving. She loves you sooo much. As hard as it is for us adults to understand that your body is just a shell to house you in while you are alive. It is double hard for a 9 year old little girl to make sense of it.
     While we can no longer touch your body to gets hugs and sloppy wet kisses you are forever a part of our lives. Your spunk and joy of life gives us courage to keep going even when times are tough. If you can do what you did what excuse could we ever give? Life is good! Thanks for the memories little guy." Pay It Forward" we will indeed!
Love ya bunches,
Grandma Lisa

Wild Hair Woman

Having baby fine, wavy hair I have had difficulties keeping it under some sort of control for most of my life.

First memory of my hair is my Grandma Brown brushing it. She was in such a hurry and so rough that she brushed my ears. I remember the bristles scrapping the flesh which made me jump around. She scolded me that if I would keep it combed I would not be going through this right now.

I had a hard time understanding others who would not get their hair wet while we were swimming because they did not get their hair messed up. Hell, mine was messed up whether it was wet or not.

While traveling around for these past 2 years one of the difficult things is keeping my hair somewhat tame. On really wild hair mornings I like to show off my Phyllis Diller hairstyle, usually gets a good laugh! She is known for her wild hair, eccentric clothes and her laugh... hummm..... I might be on to something.

Just this week someone posted pictures of me on facebook from the Black Party I went to, I cringed a little bit at first when I saw them, my hair was a mess! Glad I could laugh and say oh well, who cares what your hair looked like, you had a great time. Look at yourself laughing and dancing and having fun. I received hugs from the people I had been dancing with on my way out the door, they did not care what my hair looked like either!

I have not always been that way, I refused to be in a sister picture just this past Christmas because I had morning hair!

In Brene Brown's book "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power" she points out that Americans spent just under $12.5 billion on cosmetic procedures in 2004. (I wonder what it was in 2010?)

The $38 billion hair industry.
The $33 billion diet industry.
The $24 billion skincare industry.
The $18 billion makeup industry.
The $15 billion perfume industry.
The $13 billion cosmetic surgery industry.

"That's a whole bunch of folks depending on us to see and believe messages that sell the social-community expectations of appearance. If we don't believe we're too fat, ugly and old, then they don't sell their products, they don't make their house payments. The pressure is on!"

Getting back on track of finding my value in WHO I AM not what I look l like. Not sure how I got derailed but it feels good to get on that train again!

Chugga! Chugga! Choo! Choo! I am hanging my head out the window to catch the breeze!

Saving/Changing

Saving/Changing

"When we tell our stories, we change the world."
Brene Brown
"I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power"

My mom once told me "You can't save the whole world!". Well I was going to try anyway! I have had a strong magnetic pull for the underdog.

Recently while telling "my story" to a friend about the circumstances surrounding my divorce, one part that I revisited brought the flood of tears. At the time of the event I was calm, cool, and collected. Only now I realize that I did not "feel" that feeling at the time I felt it. So here I go again "feeling" it, working through it and then letting it go.
I grew up in a home where patriarchy ruled. While I know my dad was doing the best he knew how at the time I do not condone the controlling, abusive way he treated my mom. I remember standing between them when I was a little girl crying and begging my dad not to hit my mom. I followed those statistics, which says that it gets passed down from generation to generation. The man I was married to also was controlling and abusive.

After my mom died at the age of 62, I began examining my life very closely. Saw how much mine reflected hers. I was 36 years old, what if I only have 20 some years left to live? I don't want to live the remaining day of my life like this. Nor do I want my kids to continue this cycle.

I usually don't remember my dreams but I had two very vivid dreams that were basically the same. I was in a vehicle with my then husband and my 2 youngest kids. We went into some water, I was able to "save" myself and my kids but I could not "save" him.

When leaving a controlling abusive relationship, this can be the most dangerous time for the person leaving. I sold some stock I had where I worked and hired a lawyer. My lawyer instructed me to get out important things, hide weapons and don't tell my kids until the moment we were leaving. Between my sister and some friends I had a place to hide for a couple of weeks until we could get a court date.

The day arrived March 10th, 2000. I went to the elementary school and picked up my 2 youngest children and told them what we were doing. They seemed okay with it. They did not like the way their dad treated me. Then I drove to the high school to pick up my 2 oldest and told them what we were doing. They told me "Mom, we are not going with you." at the time I understood. My oldest son's girlfriend was pregnant so he was staying close to her. My second oldest son, didn't like change. The day of this event, I was okay with everything. Retelling this part I choked up and the tears stung my eyes. It was one of the more difficult parts of my divorce, leaving 2 of my children behind, I could not save them either. They were not part of my dream, so I should have known.

Eleven years later I can look back and know that I made the right decision.

I might not be able to save everyone in the world but maybe, just maybe, by telling my story I can change the world.

As Cold As Ice

As Cold As Ice


A couple of days ago I over heard a friend talking to their mom on the phone. I began to feel sad. Working on not squelching my feelings lately, I "felt" the sadness. What was it about? Then waves of wanting came. I can't talk to my mom on the phone. I miss my mom. I didn't know that not being able to call my mom up anytime and tell her anything, bothered me, until I "felt" the feeling.

While my mom was sick with leukemia she wrote us letters to be opened after she died. I recalled that part of mine said " Remember even if I am not there for you to touch and talk to just go to your own world (a.k.a. Lisa Land to my family) and I'll be waiting for you." So I did! I went to Lisa Land where there is fresh air, trees, and water and talked to my mom. I told her how much I miss her, told her that I have been crying a lot lately and I don't know what is up with that. When I walked across the suspension bridge a man tells me "What a difference a day makes. Yesterday this creek was solid ice except for a little trickle of water."

A vision that I had several years ago about my heart and the condition of it came to me again. In the vision I saw my heart encased in ice. When my heart began soften and warm, the ice began to melt and those were my tears. Every time I did not "feel" my feelings another layer of ice encircled my heart. Another layer every time I pretended something did not bother me when it really did, often I would laugh when I really should be crying. I don't want to wallow in the pain, but I know it doesn't do me any good not to "feel" them either.

The icy coldness that I have had around my heart is melting. It is an inside job, getting warmer and warmer. It might not be too pretty, the murky creek wasn't either, but it is freeing to "feel" what I need to "feel" and let it go!

For those of you in my past who have made fun of me for going to Lisa Land, let me tell you it is a nice here. Now I must go wash the mud off my shoes. Maybe it is not just a pretend place to go after all.

I Radiate Love and Happiness

I Radiate Love and Happiness!

 

Last May I attended a workshop in Chicago on Finding Your Soulmate taught by Arielle Ford.  I have been single for almost 11 years and have been thinking I don't want to be alone much longer. I am not feeling lonely, just alone, wanting someone to share an intimate life with, MY soulmate. Several steps were suggested, such as making a list of the qualities you are looking for, then burning that paper and releasing it to the Universe. Coloring a Mandela while repeating the qualities you are wanting in a soulmate. Also cleaning out your life to make room for your soulmate to enter it, and becoming the person that your soulmate would be attracted to. Feelizations, which are affirmations you say to yourself, not only verbally but feeling them!

This past week, I received an e-mail from this workshop with the affirmations

 

 

I radiate love and happiness

 

I am deserving of love

 

Love comes easily and effortlessly

 

My soulmate is on the way to me now

 

I am a love magnet

 

 

I have to warn you that this really does work so be careful if you use them!

 

I had been repeating the last one I am a love magnet over and over to myself while out shopping on Tuesday. Walking through the stores, I was visualizing myself as a magnet with hearts zooming toward me, feeling the clink, clink and the warm glow flow through my body.

 

I found some Strathmore watercolor paper on clearance at Meijer's, so excited, I had used all I had and needed more!

When checking out the cashier asked me if me if I was an artist. I love that I can now say "YES, why YES I am!"

He asked if I had some pictures on my phone.

"NO, why NO I don't!"

I handed him my business card, he read it while putting it in his wallet.

"Lisa! That is my girlfriends name, I love her, and she motivated me to go to college."

 I looked at his name tag, "your name is David? That is my ex husbands name!"

"Now you just burst my bubble." he said while shaking his head.

We laughed and exchanged more pleasant conversation. Turns out his birthday are the same as my oldest granddaughter.  He said she must be pretty special then.

 

He said "I love my job!" "I always meet the coolest people!" He was radiating love and happiness and I was a love magnet!  Clink! Clink!

What a pleasant experience! My friend was a few lanes down and told me her cashier heard us laughing and was enjoying it.

 

RADIATE and MAGNETIZE!!!!

My Needs Are Always Provided For

My needs are always provided for.

I really believe this affirmation for my physical needs. Recently it was put to the test for my emotional ones.

I have made some decisions for myself about setting boundaries and sticking to them. This has not been an easy thing for me.

When the test came to establish the line, my heart hurt but I knew it was the best for me. "NO" why is that such a hard word to say? I said it! Now the real test sticking to them. I really wanted to be like the Coke commercial I had just seen recently. Two guards walking back and forth along the "line in the sand". One decides to share a bottle of Coke with the other. He sits down the bottle and draws a line around it, then the other guard erases the line on his side. The motto is " Open Happiness". REALLY? Could I modify the line and remain happy? NO!

Thrust into a situation where the NO had to remain a NO. My heart ached. My body revolted in stomach pains that made me feel like I could vomit at any time. My head hurt and my eyes were weepy. I wanted to scream and throw my body on the floor, pounding my fists and kicking my legs in a full fledged temper tantrum. Since that is not appropriate behavior for a 47 year old woman in public I decided to try and recenter myself through writing it out. I flipped open my phone to the notes section. Since this  acceptable in public and it was the only thing I had to write with. I stopped and read the note that was staring me.

"YOU are seen! YOU are KNOWN! YOU are loved!" SARK

Tears stung my eyes, THAT was the issue here. The tantrum that I wanted to throw was about "I need some attention here!" "What about me?" The universe lovingly provided my needs once again.

Repeating those words helped bring me back to center. They did not CHANGE the situation, they simply CHANGED my view about it!

Later, still aching from the stings of my decisions, I got in the shower and turned the radio up loud, so no one could hear me and sobbed uncontrollably. I just can't do this! Again I felt all alone, almost as if I was invisible. I had no one with whom I could share this heartache with. Then the miracles came, 3 blasts from the past. Friends who I had not talked to in a long time, 2 called me and 1 wrote me. The words were the same basically. "I remember the fun times we had." YOU are seen!  "I just thought about you."  YOU are known!  "I love you!" YOU are loved! 

After the 3rd one I looked up to the sky, with gratitude, I said "I must be pretty bad off if you need to send me 3 messengers." THANK YOU!

When I get that urge to call someone, I want to listen, and do it. Who knows what words of encouragement they need from me.

YOU are seen. YOU are known. YOU are loved. SARK

"I don't wanna....."

Staring out the window one day while painfully trying to write about MY grief and how it has threaded goldenly through my life even before I was born, my overwhelming thought was "I don't wanna... do it!"

Then WHY are you? BECAUSE it is MY life and I am trying to tell MY life story? Because some friends and family said that is what I "should" do? Because it is what people NEED?

But I WANT to write about spirituality, sexuality, feminism, relationships, creativity, wholeness!

Ding ding ding....WINNER! Those things are ME too! New writing has begun, digging deeper into those and writing, for me... what I wanna!

Golden threads weaving the tapestry of my life, I can only see the sections, the knots, the stops, the starts. How can this ever be something beautiful to look at when finished? Finding the balance, finding the plan, the purpose, the pattern.

Finding My Voice

A jumble of thought has been binging against the creases in my brain for a few days and I thought by writing them down it might straighten them out into a coherent form.

In the last few weeks I have come across events in my life where in the past I might have kept my opinion to myself. I think, "man I wish I could say this or that to the person". Why don't you? I hear that voice in my head ask. Uh.... Soon I am watching the person stop and look at me as the words pass my lips. I am finding my voice.

When did I lose it?

On Saturday a friend and I went to watch the movie "The King's Speech". While I don't want to give the movie away for those of you who have not seen it, I need to share parts of it. The Duke of York stutters when he speaks. He reveals some abuse he had as a child at about the same time the stuttering began. This triggered some of the binging thoughts I need to put on paper.

My voice why did I lose it?

"But if you take away my voice," said the little mermaid, "what is left for me?"

"Your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man's heart." (sea witch)

Who did I give it away for?
Maybe my LOVE of WATER is not the only reason I chose to be Chicago Mermaid.


This morning I pop onto Facebook and these quotes are there placed especially for me.

Randy Grossman: "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~ Harvey Fierstein


Patti Digh:
Sometimes it is just really necessary to use your outside voice. Speak up.

I went in search of this one.
If you have the feeling that something is wrong, don't be afraid to speak up.
Fred Korematsu


Thoughts of working at the Domestic Violence shelter swished through.
http://www.SinBySilence.com
Does it really matter to me WHEN, HOW or WHO to? I don't really know. One thing I do know for sure I am very glad I am finding it again.

Profound

I am back to writing on this blog. But...but...but... I don't have anything "profound" to share. Do I really need "profound" moments to share? Isn't my everyday life "profound" in itself?

This past week I have slept in my car at rest areas and store parking lots. In a hotel and a friends' house. Taken a shower in a community center that I stumbled upon. While living this nomadic lifestyle for the past year and a half, a warm shower is something I seek after and rejoice in. The simple things mean so much. The time alone was just what I needed to restore the resources that I had depleted in my life.

I went to a singles dance in Illinois and danced and laughed, then swam in the hotel pool the next morning. Chicago Mermaid love! dance....laugh....swim...

Ventured Chicago way on Sunday to watch the Bears/Packers playoff game with "my people". After taking the ORANGE line from Midway Airport to Roosevelt, I walked with the masses of people heading to Soldier Field, equally Packers and Bears fans! I paused often when I felt the energy level at a very high, just soaking it up! After walking around the stadium, touching it, kissing it (yeah I did!) I went in search of somewhere warm to watch the game. Looking for the sports bar where I had watched a Bears/Vikings game a couple of years ago. I knew it was close to Soldier Field just not sure where it was located or what it was called. Not exactly sure which way to go I said to my spirit, lead me. I head on the metal ramp that winds out of the area, passing people telling me that I am going the wrong way.

The thought just occurred to me HOW? can they knew which way I am suppose to be heading? They
are not me! They do not know what MY spirit is saying to me. They do not KNOW my hearts desire! How often have I thought or even said to someone "you are going the wrong way!" When I am not them, HOW? do I know which way THEY are suppose to be heading? HOW do I know what THEIR spirit is saying to them? I don't KNOW their hearts desire!

Back to the story about finding "my people". As I come out on the street it all starts looking familiar. YES I am heading in the right direction! Only a few blocks more and I see the corner bar AND it has a line down the street to get in. Oh, I don't want to stand out in the cold streets. But the nudge was there to wait. Laughing and chatting with those in line, the wait did not seem long. Inside it was standing room only, elbow to elbow. My belly growls, I AM HUNGRY, how am I going to get some food? I go up to the hostess stand and she tells me I can put in a to go order, whoohoo! While waiting for my food to make an appearance, I spy two spare chair sitting by the railing, you know when they take them away from tables because their party does not need them at their table. There are coats on them with a guy standing watch, I ask him if I can sit in one, he says sure! I have a SEAT! When they call him to a table I notice an older lady looking at the seat longingly. I wave her over and we chat while she is waiting on her table. Very well educated, with a kind spirit, "my people". A gentleman with gray hair peeks around the corner saying to us, I think you have the best seats in the house. I would have to agree. I tell him that she is getting a table and I can save this seat for him if he would like. YES he would! I put my coat on the chair until comes to claim it. He tells me he is a Packers fan, WHAT? I saved a chair for a Packers fan! He tells me his name is Dave, WHAT? I saved a chair for a Dave! (my ex's name). He talks about his wife, WHAT? I saved a seat for a married man! All pressure was off, we could have fun and we did, talking about our adventures in life and our dreams. He happened to be there because his daughter worked there and he was visiting her from the upper peninsula of Michigan.

Dave THE Packer fan laid his hand on my shoulder to console me after my Bears were defeated and gently reminded me that "it was just a game". Very well educated with a kind spirit, "my people".

I received good service from his daughter, and a free drink! 
a~bun~dance
dance! dance! dance!

Even though my Bears lost in the Championship game and would not be going to the Superbowl, I smiled all the way back to my car. What a wonderful time!

Notice!!!!

WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects-you DO NOT have permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of my privacy and will be subject to legal ramifications. It is recommended that other members post a similar notice


NOTICE! Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of it's associated sites for studies or projects-you DO have my permission to use any of my profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered my greatest honor! The Universe has blessed me with it's generosity and now I pay it forward! LOVE TO ALL! It is recommended that other members post a similar notice!


I saw this first "WARNING:" on a facebook's profile pictures. Not liking it at all I decided to write the second! Probably one of the reasons I decided not to be an attorney! I have been so blessed in my life and want everyone to be as blessed! There is more then enough a~bun~dance in this world to go around! All my needs are always met! dance! dance! dance!